The Holiday Blues

I've been on BCP now for over a week and I don't know if it's the hormones or what but I feel bloated and gross, a touch depressed, and getting more down than up the last couple of days. I have been trying SO hard to stay positive (apparently I need to listen to my positive affirmations CD more!!). At first I was kind of glad that we'd be on BCP over the holidays so I wouldn't have to worry about IVF/Infertility stress. Turns out that no - I'm not stressed but I'm depressed instead. I wish we could skip right past the holidays and get some babies in me! I guess lately I've been seeing families with their children or women who are pregnant and they're so happy. And honestly I'm happy for them but I'm sadly envious. I want to have that too! Don't get me wrong - I love my family. I am so deeply thankful for my son and my husband and my puppies :-) but I want to be excited about Christmas. I want to think about taking my kids to see Santa and baking cookies with them. Imagining their faces lighting up when they see the special gift we picked out...my wonderful 16 yr old just wants a car...I don't think any other gift will make his face light up! Taking pictures of my belly that would be so nice and round right now. I would be 25 weeks if I hadn't lost our little miracle. I would have been feeling him or her kick and move around right now. Nick and Nate would be able to feel it. Man this is depressing. I really need to get pregnant again. Some days I feel so confident that it will happen. It happened in July so why can't it happen again? And even better - we could bring home a healthy baby or two! Other days I feel like this is just never going to happen and I'm just being tortured. I feel like giving up because I'm just wasting my life gaining weight and going through so many hormonal torture devices. But then I see my husband or my son playing with a little one and I want SO badly for them to be playing with our baby. I can imagine feeling my child or children growing inside of me and feeling them move, giving birth and holding them for the first time, seeing their first smile. Those are the kinds of things that keep me going and keep me holding on because I want it SO bad. I think knowing this will probably be the last IVF for awhile is very scary for me. I know we may have enough for 1 more FET but I have no faith in that anymore. I almost want to put back as many embryos as I can but while I will do selective reduction if I HAVE to I don't want to. I also do not want children with problems because I was so desperate to conceive them. I am definitely putting back 3. I have read so many posts about putting back 4 and so many people only get 1 or 2 babies out of the deal. I guess I'll have to talk to my DR and see what we have to deal with come the embryo report. For now I guess I need to meditate and do yoga more and get out of this funk. I need to just keep concentrating on getting healthier for this IVF cycle. I started taking Fish Oil, Vitamin B Complex, and Co Enzyme Q10 in addition to my prenatal. Those are all supposed to help egg quality, lining, any immune issues.....that sort of thing. There are loads of other things I should probably take and do but it all costs $$. I just want this to work so badly. I want to be pregnant again. I've really been missing my little Angel baby lately. Some days I forgot what I felt like when I was pregnant and other days it's like it was just yesterday. INFERTILITY SUCKS! :-(