More frustrations...venting

SO - yesterday I was saying how bloated and gross I have been feeling. I decided to step on the scale today just to make sure I hadn't gained any weight and it was all just in my head. NOPE - not all in my head. It's in my butt, stomach, thighs, etc.... I gained 4 lbs since starting the BCP! REALLY? I wasn't up enough? I have 19 days before I start my IVF cycle so I can't diet really - and let's be honest, do I want to diet right at the holiday season?? It's going to be hard enough trying to make little adjustments to eat better for my TCM self-diagnosis! I could walk - BUT it's like 20 degrees outside and our roads are covered with ice and snow. I sold my treadmill to help pay for the last IVF so there goes walking. I don't think I'm going to burn a lot using Yoga but it is relaxing. I got home yesterday and was just in a grumpy mood. I finally decided to go up and try to do some Yoga. I found one on my favorite yoga DVD (Yoga for Stress Relief) that is called "Letting Go Of Your Day". BOY did that sound like what I needed! I was only able to do about 20 minutes of it (Nick got home and I just gave up) but even after 20 minutes I felt better. I really need to get back to doing it EVERY day. It really helps my mood. I'm still not excited about the holidays. I am annoyed by happiness. I try not to be but I am. I just want to close myself up in my house away from everyone. I think this might be a sign that I'm depressed. What do you think? January 1st was my 3rd trimester mark - instead of celebrating that I'll be starting stim shots again. I just didn't realize that losing the baby would still be hitting me SO hard. I was doing pretty good for awhile but now I just am so damn angry that it's gone. I want it back. :-( I want to be shopping for it and putting the finishing touches on it's room. I want to be getting excited about meeting it for the first time. I hate this. I absolutely hate this. To know that getting pregnant again and having that chance again is "iffy", it just kills me. I hope and pray that it works and we're able to bring our little one(s) home with us and everything will go well. But the fact that I know there is high percentage of us not being able to do that - it just sucks. OK I've got to get past being depressed. Not good for anyone. I guess it's good to get it out.