Going "au naturel"

I am now in a sort of "natural" cycle and it's weird. After a year of fertility treatments or being on the BCP between treatments it's really weird to be going "au naturel". I decided to sort of try this month. Coming off the BCP has not been good for my fertility I don't think. It's been a weird month so far. I'm on cycle day 21 and according to TCOYF (yes I even started charting my temps again!) I am 5 days past ovulation. It seems kind of odd to say that instead of 5 days past IUI or 5 days past egg retrieval. But in a way I kind of feel like an average woman. Not a fertile woman by any means!! ;-) BUT the average trying to conceive woman. I don't really know that I like it at all. I have all these cooky little things going on in my body that I don't know if they are caused by just going off BCP, all the supplements I'm trying out, or just my ongoing wacky hormones. I guess we shall see. I'll be glad to get back to IVF where the DR has all the control. If it doesn't happen and we can't do an FET or that doesn't work - I'm throwing in the towel with this TTC business. I have decided I'm just darn tired of TTC. I want to be pregnant and I want a baby or babies out of the deal. I just can't keep going. I feel like I've been trying to get pregnant for the majority of my adult life. I'm just tired. I just want the end result.

SO - I saw on the news that Nicole Kidman is pregnant. I truly am happy for her. I don't know the details on her life but I can imagine they probably had issues trying. Her pregnancy really warmed my heart for some reason. Did you ever notice that pregnancy and babies make up the majority of celebrity headlines? It just increases my feelings that pregnant women are "special". They are - they're creating life. In my eyes - it's a freakin miracle. I just want to be special again and I want my husband to feel the excitement of becoming a father and feel special as well. OK done venting I swear. I just feel like it's closing in on all sides. I just want to get to that IVF and give all I can give and hope and pray and of course cross my fingers that our miracle will happen then.